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The heaviness settled in like an anvil being dropped on me. I couldn't take the fog inside my head and the lead inside my heart anymore, so I sat in the sun to melt it away. I wanted to sear every surface until I couldn't feel anymore. What kind of life is that, though, to never feel anything? To never feel the joy of love; the way it wraps its arms around your heart and traces its fingertips along your veins? Even the pain of looking back at love's scattered memories is necessary to understand how beautiful the feeling once was; how lucky you were to have ever felt its lips press to your cheek, its breath collect in the hollow of your neck. Love does these things, sews itself right up inside you to close the holes within.

You'll be told you'll find another. You'll be told to go, go and find happiness because all this is, is hurt, and nothing else. The problem is, your heart doesn't understand the complexities of bad timing or fear or settling for another because of low self-worth. Your heart only knows love, even when your brain tries convince it otherwise. You can't outsmart love, logic is the lesser. Even a 9 yr old will tell you the same, that it doesn't make sense to not be with the person you're in love with. I know, I know.

You could try ripping at the seams, pulling the threads from deep within without tearing yourself apart. I've done it before, little by little, stitch by stitch. I've unraveled the embroidery and survived without too many pulls and defects in my fabric. And I've learned the feel of my pattern, hemmed up my loose ends, and made a better fit of myself. But I crave a careful hand to reach deep within my fibers to alter me in ways I can't do on my own. I need to be folded and pinned, cut and pieced back together, matched and paired up without counting arms' length; I need to be part of another.

I've worn love like a second skin; matched our needs and offerings like buttons notched perfectly, holding us together. I've watched threads fray and buttons fall. I witnessed you pulling at them in nervous habit, while tugging opposite sides close together over your breast, trying to hold in the very thing you were releasing. I've had your hands smooth over my rough edges and find something beautiful, and then discard me, because what's new is unknown and what's old is comfortable, even if the fit is no longer right.

I don't want to be a patchwork quilt of collected losses. I don't want to be worn by another. I just want this fixed...somehow. But I've been released; never really even claimed. And I sit now, tattered and missing the threads that made me whole, losing parts of myself through the moth holes in my heart.


--
8/13/2013

Copyright © 2013 Jen Fowler
All rights reserved
Last night while sitting with my kids as they ate dinner, I apologized to them for not being myself and being so sad. My 9yr old son said it was okay, and he asked if it was because of her. I don't normally get into heavy personal stuff like this with my kids, but I also don't lie to them. I'd rather teach them about life, age-appropriately of course. So I said, "Yes." I continued answering a few questions, probably saying more than I should have, but not before he responded, "That doesn't make sense. If she's in love with you and wants to be with you, then why isn't she? That doesn't make any sense." Heh, I know, kiddo. Makes no sense to me either. My 10yr old daughter then asked if she was scared because of the gay thing, because some people don't like it. God, I love my kids. :heart: And nope, that's not it, pretty girl.

Apparently I like hearing myself talk. :roll: You can hear me recite this if you're into that kind of thing.
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Daily Deviation

Given 2013-10-10
Seam Stress by ~BeyondJen is "very touching" (suggester's words) nonfiction about moving on...or not. ( Suggested by Dr-Vergissmeinnicht and Featured by neurotype )
:iconsilverinkblot:
SilverInkblot Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Hi there! Just a note to let you know that I've featured this piece in my end-of-the-year journal feature :) (Smile)
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:iconbeyondjen:
BeyondJen Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much! It really means a lot to me. :tighthug:
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:iconkarinta:
Karinta Featured By Owner Oct 12, 2013  Student General Artist
Wow....! Congratulations. :hug:
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:iconbeyondjen:
BeyondJen Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much. :hug:
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:iconkarinta:
Karinta Featured By Owner Dec 6, 2013  Student General Artist
You're welcome. :glomp:
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:icononetwistedpoet:
onetwistedpoet Featured By Owner Oct 11, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
Digging the wordplay here, well crafted.
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:iconbeyondjen:
BeyondJen Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you. I'm glad to hear you liked it. :)
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:icondiphylla:
diphylla Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2013  Professional Digital Artist
Congrats on the DD! :pumpkin:
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:iconbeyondjen:
BeyondJen Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you. :)
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:icondiphylla:
diphylla Featured By Owner Dec 9, 2013  Professional Digital Artist
Welcome :D
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:iconthegalleryofeve:
TheGalleryOfEve Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Congratulations on your well-deserved DD!!! :iconflyingheartsplz::iconlainloveplz::iconflyingheartsplz: :clap::clap::clap:
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:iconbeyondjen:
BeyondJen Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks so much! :D
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:iconchromeantennae:
chromeantennae Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
This is incredible. :iconclapplz:
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:iconbeyondjen:
BeyondJen Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much. I really appreciate that! :D
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:iconchromeantennae:
chromeantennae Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
And your reading of this? My goodness, Jen....I.....there aren't a lot of things that can leave ME speechless outside of some emotional songs I adore, but that reading was just absolutely demigod like. I really try to avoid sayin' stuff like this ('Cause I never want to exaggerate things.), but that was one of the greatest recitals of a literature piece I've ever, ever heard. It's just stunningly beautiful. It left an impact like only music (And love) has. When I downloaded and heard it, I thought I'd hear it once and delete it, but it's just too incredible. I was just listening to it earlier, this week. It's truly, truly amazing. You created a masterpiece, but your recital of it is even better. 
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:iconbeyondjen:
BeyondJen Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:faint: Wow. I don't think 'thank you' quite covers it. That's one heck of a compliment. Masterpiece? Yikes. You've left ME speechless, now. Ha. I really don't know what to say, so I guess I'm going to resort to the trite words of 'thank you.'

Thank you so much for taking the time to read and listen to me recite this, and thank you for your wonderful compliments. I'm really glad you liked it. :heart:
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:iconchromeantennae:
chromeantennae Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
It was my absolute, absolute pleasure. :heart: Truly amazing. :love:
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:iconbeyondjen:
BeyondJen Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much, again...and late, again. :)
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:iconchromeantennae:
chromeantennae Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
My pleasure. :)
And no worries. :aww:
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:iconbeyondjen:
BeyondJen Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
:heart:
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(1 Reply)
:iconcrossing-ariel:
crossing-ariel Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2013
Congrats on the DD love. :)
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:iconbeyondjen:
BeyondJen Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you, dear. :heart:
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:iconlittleblueraccoon:
littleblueraccoon Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2013  Student Writer
Congratulations on the DD! You definitely earned it. :highfive:
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:iconbeyondjen:
BeyondJen Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks so much! That really means a lot. :hug:
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:iconlintu47:
lintu47 Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
    Congrats on the DD! :dalove:
    Have a nice day! :heart:
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:iconbeyondjen:
BeyondJen Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much! :hug:
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:iconlintu47:
lintu47 Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
My pleasure :happybounce:
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:iconpennedinwhite:
PennedinWhite Featured By Owner Sep 14, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you for sharing this wonderful piece. I have featured it in my Fantastic Favorites Feature.

:heart:
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:iconbeyondjen:
BeyondJen Featured By Owner Sep 18, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much. I truly appreciate it.
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:iconpennedinwhite:
PennedinWhite Featured By Owner Sep 18, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
You are very welcome. 
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:iconpennedinwhite:
PennedinWhite Featured By Owner Sep 14, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Very moving, and the reaction of the children is probably the easiest and hardest to comprehend. Sometimes, we forget, how much they understand and know. They can really change our thought patterns. 
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:iconbeyondjen:
BeyondJen Featured By Owner Sep 18, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you. Those are wonderful comments.
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:iconpennedinwhite:
PennedinWhite Featured By Owner Sep 18, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Well deserved!
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:iconnymphoproblematic:
nymphoproblematic Featured By Owner Aug 29, 2013
Children typically think in the most simplistic of ways: disregarding all that surrounds the core, and focusing instead on the core itself. If we as adults could do the same, we'd have far fewer problems...
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:iconbeyondjen:
BeyondJen Featured By Owner Sep 18, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Exactly. I wish we could all think more like children. I hate that we lose so much of that ability as we age. Fewer problems and greater happiness, for sure.

Thanks for your comments, mister. :heart:
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:iconladylincoln:
LadyLincoln Featured By Owner Aug 21, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Love to you, honey. And to those wonderful children who love and understand -- even if no one else ever does.

:heart:
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:iconbeyondjen:
BeyondJen Featured By Owner Aug 21, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much for your kind words. :hug: :heart:
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:iconladylincoln:
LadyLincoln Featured By Owner Aug 21, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Of course, darling. You're welcome! :hug: :heart:
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:iconfuzzyhoser:
FuzzyHoser Featured By Owner Aug 21, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Alyssa :heart:
Everyone ought to operate under kid logic.
It's a hellovalot more sensible.
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:iconbeyondjen:
BeyondJen Featured By Owner Aug 21, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
They're both damn amazing, sweet, and sensible. I walked away from the dinner table completely floored. And yup, I think when we grow up, we forget a lot of the time how simple things really are. We're the ones that make things complicated.
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:iconfuzzyhoser:
FuzzyHoser Featured By Owner Aug 21, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Uhhh yeah. They are. Very.

Bingo. I try my best to operate by simple logic. Gets me by really well most of the time. Oddly enough, I got the heart of that logic by Maw-Maw...go figure. Older folks tend to return to simple thinking after being smacked around with complications for a lifetime. Just try to be juvenile more often. :B
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