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I.
A General, deemed by the stars you plucked from a summer sky,
you refuse to wear the flag of a constellation-filled heart,
instead tucking it behind ribs you forgot were translucent,
as you prepare to march off in battle of yourself, bravery feigned.

But like Indian summers that linger, your steps falter
and I bend like long, summer grass to your waning touch.
Your impending drought looms, and my rain dance can't compete
with the pounding of soldiers' boots and war-torn hearts,
and I crack and wither in the dust of ghosts, decay, and goodbyes.


II.
In revolt of mourning's light, tides roll in shells whispering old memories.
Where gentle mounds and valleys once offered refuge;
where neglect falls upon the garden you once harvested for my nectar,
used to patch your holes and heal your wounds;
here, these blossoms now bloom dead.


III.
The stillness of long, dark nights toils on and
I still dream of tracing my fingers along your seams;
connecting the dots where your light seeps out, forgiving the darkness;
flanking your worries with my lips, reassuring you of the risks;
and pulling out your demons with my teeth.

It wasn't so long ago I tasted your plans and choked on the medicinal
exit strategy you used to stop your lonely soul from swallowing mine.
Unintentionally, you keep me a prisoner; my heart starved, you are my incubus.
But you're so far gone, you no longer hear my pleas of surrender:
You can['t] have me.


IV.
Tonight, I'll pluck stars from the summer sky and paste them on my cheeks,
honoring the casualties of our needs we once masked with wants,
and our joy forsaken for the dirt paths trodden with footprints bearing our name,
but never our dreams.



--
Written: 8/31/2012
Revised: 9/10/2012


Copyright © 2012 Jennifer Fowler
All Rights Reserved
Updated 9/10/2012: I wasn't completely satisfied so I've been working on tightening it up for the past week.
It's been rearranged and edited in various areas. Lots of excess clutter was removed, too. Hopefully the readability has improved.

I've been working on this one for a month and I'm tried of rearranging it over and over again.
This is the best I could come up with; I'm pretty rusty.


I will happily take critiques and/or suggestions. I need some help getting back in my groove. :nod:
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:iconriotsong:
RiotSong Featured By Owner Sep 8, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
*jaw drops* a month was worth it woman!
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:iconbeyondjen:
BeyondJen Featured By Owner Sep 8, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Oh, youuuuu! You make me smile, Big Villagian. :hug:
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:iconbrassteeth:
brassteeth Featured By Owner Sep 1, 2012
That first stanza is outstanding. The translucent ribs are an image that will stay with me.

I think this is an outstanding piece of poetry. Brilliant.
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:iconbeyondjen:
BeyondJen Featured By Owner Sep 8, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks so much, BT. That's one heck of a compliment. I'm glad you like it. :hug:
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:iconbrassteeth:
brassteeth Featured By Owner Sep 8, 2012
:nod:
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:icondreamsinstatic:
dreamsinstatic Featured By Owner Aug 31, 2012
Your fantastic work has been featured in Friday Night Features.
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:iconbeyondjen:
BeyondJen Featured By Owner Aug 31, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks so much! :heart:
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:icondreamsinstatic:
dreamsinstatic Featured By Owner Sep 7, 2012
You're welcome.
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:iconfuzzyhoser:
FuzzyHoser Featured By Owner Aug 31, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I have the same thing to say as I said the first time I read this. I really, really like it, but I just get so lost inside all the descriptiveness, that I have to sort of think of what it's about. That's the only thing... It's just a little description-heavy. But at the same time, that's why it reads so pretty, too. (By the way, don't take my opinion too heavy. I just generally prefer simple poetry, so that's probably just my personal taste slowing me down.)

Also, I kinda think the second section in part III. seems like something you've said in your poems before. I think I mentioned that previously. I'm thinking you could likely do without that bit and it might make it tighter, but that's just my thinking. I think, I think, I think...I think I need to say I think in another way. :roll:

I do like this one, though. I just wonder if you've been trying too hard. Relax and write, woman. This is a good style for you, by the by. The sections show off your ability to break things down better and highlight things more effeciently.
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:iconbeyondjen:
BeyondJen Featured By Owner Aug 31, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I looked at part III again; the second part is original. I can't think of any time I've used that before. The first part of part III is less original, although I did try to use different words (e.g., seams, connecting dots, flank) but the mapping...familiar arms part is overdone in my work.

I'll take another look at it later and see how I can tighten it up. Thanks again for the feedback. :hug:
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:iconfuzzyhoser:
FuzzyHoser Featured By Owner Sep 1, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Oh...maybe I'm thinking of someone else's then. I actually thought I might be and I meant to mention that earlier when we were talking. LOL I'm gonna wait till we talk again. :giggle:

I was wrong, obviously, anywho. :)
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:iconbeyondjen:
BeyondJen Featured By Owner Sep 10, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
So, the whole thing about waiting 'til we talk again...was that the point you just made in your email???
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:iconfuzzyhoser:
FuzzyHoser Featured By Owner Sep 10, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Ummm...yeeeah. Again, don't you take that as anything solid, though. It was just something that clicked in my head. And then my head felt weird. :confused:
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:iconbeyondjen:
BeyondJen Featured By Owner Sep 10, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Okay, thought so. While I didn't have that click in my head, I can certainly see how it did for you. I looked it over again and re-evaluated what I was trying to say; I ended up changing it, which changes the intended meaning a tad and therefore the tone, but I like it better. I think you're head will like it. :fingerscrossed:
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:iconfuzzyhoser:
FuzzyHoser Featured By Owner Sep 11, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I lurve it. :D
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:iconbeyondjen:
BeyondJen Featured By Owner Sep 11, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Aww, yay! :D
Thanks for all the feedback on it. :hug:
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(1 Reply)
:iconbeyondjen:
BeyondJen Featured By Owner Aug 31, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Your strong opinions don't bother me. You know I prefer honesty and my feelings won't be hurt.

It is similar to what you read a month ago, but it's completely rearranged and mostly rewritten. So, that's not good that it sounds so completely familiar. Lol.

I have such a hard time getting my thoughts across simply. :/ Teach me! Lol.

Thanks for the honest feedback. I'll take a look at it when I get home and have some time.(:
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:iconfuzzyhoser:
FuzzyHoser Featured By Owner Aug 31, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I know. (:

I meant to say, lol, that I could tell you re-arranged it and that I was very impressed with. It's way more cohesive and leads on better. Again, it's really just the extra descriptions that are sorta hanging me up. It's likely just me, though. I'll bet ya a coffee someone comments soon and disagrees with me. :)

p.s.
I wouldn't have faved it if it weren't worth faving. :heart:
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:iconbeyondjen:
BeyondJen Featured By Owner Aug 31, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Yeah, I need to work on my wordiness in EVVVVERYTHING. *sigh*

Thanks, m'dear. <3
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:iconfuzzyhoser:
FuzzyHoser Featured By Owner Aug 31, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I know not what you mean. :confused:
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:iconbeyondjen:
BeyondJen Featured By Owner Aug 31, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Clearly this is a sarcastic comment?
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:iconfuzzyhoser:
FuzzyHoser Featured By Owner Aug 31, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
No, I'm honest to goodness confuzzled. lol
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:iconbeyondjen:
BeyondJen Featured By Owner Aug 31, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Extra descriptions, wordiness...I do that not only in poetry but in all my writing, and in verbal communications, too. It's a problem. :|
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(1 Reply)
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